No, there is no punchline. This is really a thing.
Following the blue-ribbon arrival of Geoffrey Kondogbia on Monday, Roberto Mancini has begun searching for someone who can accompany the Frenchman in next season's midfield. While the Monaco man is capable of providing some of the dynamism Inter were devoid of last season, he is still only 22 years-old. He cannot, therefore, be expected to transform this team into a lean, mean winning machine on his own.
The plan is for Kondogbia to be joined by someone with a few more years behind him, who can offer experience, know-how and grit - three things that this team is clearly in need of.
WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION OF WHY THIS STUPID CLUB LET ESTEBAN CAMBIASSO LEAVE ON A FREE TRANSFER LAST SUMMER WHEN THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE PROVIDED. YOU COMPLETE BONE-HEADED IDIOTS.
So, with that in mind, ex-Interista and treble-winning Thiago Motta has been linked with a triumphant return to the San Siro, just three years after he left - but acquiring him would come at a cost that the club are most likely unable to stomach. The Italian's contract talks with Paris Saint-Germain are reported to have completely broken down, but the Ligue 1 Champions would still demand a fee around €8m, according to both Sky Italia and Tuttosport.
For that reason, we are left with the cheap and cheerless alternative that is Felipe Melo, who is available at around €4m. You may remember him from such moments as Elbowing Mario Balotelli and Sparking a Riot in the 2009 Derby d'Italia, Stamping on Arjen Robben and Letting His Entire Country Down in a World Cup Quarter-Final and Trying to Saw Alexis Sanchez's Legs Off During Last Season's UEFA Champions League. He's perfect for us, no?
According to Gianluca Di Marzio, Inter met with the Brazilian's agent on Monday evening and are fairly confident that an agreement can be reached with both player and club. The 31 year-old spoke recently of his fondness for Mancini, and even recorded a happy birthday message for his former boss a few months back - which included an interesting ending...
The upside to this deal, were it to happen, is that Melo does not know the meaning of the word 'fear', and would hopefully be able to bestow some balls upon our dressing room. There is a reason Galatasaray fans view him as some kind of cult hero. The downside is that it's Felipe Melo. No more need be said.
Given that there is a genuine chance this transfer will happen however, we must at least try to prepare ourselves for it.
I am sorry.